Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Facebragging: Getting in on the Craze
Ever hear of MySpace? Facebook? Twitter? Probably not, but mark my words these social media websites will one day be wildly popular and you will need to know how to make a witty status update so that you can:
- validate your cleverness
- use reverse psychology and other underhanded methods of bragging to demonstrate how fricking awesome your life is
- air your passive-aggressive personal attacks
- repost song lyrics to demonstrate how deep you are
- ensure your ex knows how bangin’ your new squeeze is (yes, I just said that)
The tools for achieving the satisfying feats listed above are numerous.
Beginners should try Contrasting, which is where you make a mildly negative comment about your situation with the true intention of illustrating how awesome your life is. The goal here is for friends to say to themselves, “Wow, I wish I had her problems.”
Here’s a few examples of how to work Contrasting into your Facebook status:
Painting the penthouse today – sometimes I regret buying such a huge (6,500 square feet!!) place but then I look over Central Park and…
Just left Vegas for L.A., next up Tokyo, then Paris for a few days. Ugh, sooo looking forward to spending one night in my own bed again!!
$7,893 for a plane ticket?! Guess that’s the price you pay for a first class seat on an international flight, but sheesh…
Another simple way to brag online is achieved through the use of The Blessing. This is where you flat out state your good news immediately followed by “I’m so blessed.” This is a popular method for two reasons. First, no one can accuse you of bragging because you’re just expressing your thankfulness that God/Fate/Mother Nature/Chuck Norris has blessed your life by giving you some material object or promotion or life-changing weight loss. Second, it requires less creativity than other methods – making it ideal for the braggart on the go, or those who just aren’t very clever.
The I’m Too Sexy for My Facebook Status status works wells for reminding people of how sexy you are. You don’t actually have to be attractive to use this method – simply believing you are a scorching specimen of hotness will suffice.
To make sure everyone knows how desirable you are, you should first build up a large public photo library filled with your amateur modeling shots. Be sure to wear lingerie and make lots of duck faces (so attractive). Oh and even though you posted the pic and tagged yourself, consider captioning the photos with something like, “Ugh! I hate this pic of me.”
To make sure everyone knows how desirable you are, you should first build up a large public photo library filled with your amateur modeling shots. Be sure to wear lingerie and make lots of duck faces (so attractive). Oh and even though you posted the pic and tagged yourself, consider captioning the photos with something like, “Ugh! I hate this pic of me.”
To drive traffic to your photos you should now make casual comments about your sexiness. People reading these comments in their newsfeeds will be compelled to check out your photos to confirm that you are indeed as hot as you want everyone to think you are.
Get started by customizing some of these classics:
Ew, random guy on the street asked me if I was a model. Seriously, who does that? I wasn’t even wearing makeup!
Guy on the train just told me I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. Weeeird.
Think I’m going to start wearing a paper bag on the walk to work. Can I please make it to work ONE time without some pervert shouting out a marriage proposal?? Sick!
Message to guys who want to ask me out: Call me up, don’t send me an FB message. Am I really that intimidating!?
Next we have my personal favorite, the Guess Who. It’s very simple but its cutesy let’s-play-a-game quality lets you off the hook for your narcissism:
Guess who got eight new job offers this week? ME!!! [This is also a very sensitive way to announce to the many reluctantly unemployed people in the country that your life is awesome and theirs is not.]
OMG - Guess who just received the Cook County Junior Public Accountant of the Week award??!?!?
The Poopy Bear is a clever tool for bragging about your awesome relationship without making you look insecure. You might want to do this to hurt an ex or to make a recently broken up with frenemy feel like crap. Make sure both you and your significant other have no privacy settings in place – everyone should be able to view your slobbery wall posts.
Next, make some sort of awkward declaration of your love. Use words like “bestest” and "muah!" and phrases like “in the whole wide wide wide world” to stress your sincerity (and adorableness). Be sure to include a pet name and don’t forget to make one of those hearts that looks like a European ice cream cone (<3).
I have the bestest boyfriend in the whole wide world! Love you Poopy Bear!! <3 <3
Can’t believe how unbelievably lucky I am to have found @Joseph McSlushbucket. Just 3 days, 16 hours and 37 minutes until I’m Mrs. McSlushbucket!! Muah!
If you’re ready for it, try the more advanced Open Letter to an Inanimate Object. This approach is super creative but often needs to be combined with another of the more fundamental tools, such as The Blessing or Contrasting:
Dear Life,
Thank you for blessing me every single day! Every morning I am shocked – SHOCKED! – when I wake up and realize this is really my life. Don’t know what I did to deserve such a crazy awesome life, but I’ll take it!
Love,
Me
or how about:
Dear New Shoes,
What possessed me to buy you? You’re not a cheap date (I could have bought two purses with the $899 I spent on you!) and you hurt like hell. But I forgive you, since you make my legs look so awesome!
Sincerely,
Expensive Shoe Addict
Another more sophisticated tactic is the Exclusive Information Reposter. This involves sacrifice, as you will need to brush aside pesky work-related tasks and cut back on quality time with the fam in order to stay glued to your RSS feeds.
As soon as you come across something outrageous, immediately repost it to Facebook. DO NOT read the article or do any sort of fact-checking – there is simply not enough time.
There is, of course, a risk inherent with this maneuver. I have seen several eager beavers destroy their reputations by reposting articles from The Onion, Knoodles, and other world famous satirical publications as fact. They see the headline (“Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex”), freak out, and immediately repost with scathing comments (Sick. THIS is where our tax dollars are going? I’m moving to France.). Only to later realize that it was a headline from The Onion. Ouch.
If you want to showcase your maturity in a public forum, be sure to master the art of the Passive-Aggressive Post. This is where you want to send a message to a specific person or group of people but, instead of talking to them, you post about them. This allows you to make your point in a mature fashion without having to hold an adult conversation. Their options for responding include:
A. Stewing quietly and pretending they aren’t watching your updates (you win!)
B. Posting a passive-aggressive comment in kind (and thereby voiding their right to accuse you of passive-aggressive behavior without sounding like a hypocrite)
C. Confronting you (at which point you can respond with, “What are talking about? That wasn’t about you. Gee, defensive much? Sounds like someone has a guilty conscience.”)
Here are some good examples you can coordinate into your hourly updates:
Word of advice to the single ladies out there: Whatever you do, don’t date a doctor.
Glad you can change your Facebook status but are too busy to call me back.
Finally, if you’re not very creative, you can always post obscure song lyrics that sound really deep. Better yet, forget to note where the lyrics came from. People will assume you are the wickedly profound poet behind the words.
I hope this information has been of value to you. In a world of Tweeting and Liking and Friending, maintaining a dominant presence in your favorite news feed is important. Remember, you are nobody without Facebook.
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27 comments:
HAHahaha, this was pretty funny. Going to post this on facebook now and pretend I didn't read through the whole thing. :)
:) This made my day - love it!
This is awesome!!! It's all so true! I know quite a few of these people at the top of my head, and I probably have done a few of these myself! Isn't it fun to laugh at human folly!
@Leah - no worries; just do what I did and delete the evidence.
@Jess and LilMrs - thanks for stopping by!
haha omg. I'm so glad i found your blog. I love your attitude! LOL
this is too funny. i'm definitely re-posting this on my facebook.
I love your posts! They are soooo funny! Awesome! Looking forward to more of your posts. New Follower from the Blogaholic Social Network. ;)
hahaha I love this!
I'm following now. Thanks for finding me on 20sb!
---Erinn
danceanthak.blogspot.com
Lol I love the humor.
Definitely gonna keep up with yours.
<3 Cat
www.gringa-latina.blogspot.com
Oh my goodness you crack me up! I thoroughly enjoyed this post!
This is comedy! Had to actually laugh out loud while reading this. I must admit I am guilty, I won't say of which, very guilty and hanging my head in shame...but not too low or long because I am blessed.
Wow this is dead on. Case in point, one of my facebook friends:
Justin Bieber
#ilovemyfans, my friends and my family. I give all my blessings to God and appreciate all that i have and will never forget to give back. There is just too much love to let hate bring you down. thank you for everything and i will always #payitforward and try to #makeachange
Hahahah, this made my day. You are hilarious :)
OMG! You're totally talking about me in like this whole article I can't believe you'd do that to me :-(. I can't help it if God has blessed me.
hehehe. I can't...I love it and I love you for posting it. Hilarious stuff.
Love this! Such an awesome post! Great blog :)
{Bobbi}
http://fashionunder30.blogspot.com/
HAHAHA this was awesome!!! Thanks for adding on 20sb =)
That's hilarious! And Duck Face is the worst! lol
Thanks for friending me on 20sb. Awesome blog, I'm going to have to share this.
Kate
I can't even. This is....maybe....the best.
I literally laughed out loud. So funny! Glad I found your blog!!
Lou Ann
www.theluluconfessions.blogspot.com
I LOVED this. Still laughing...
Loving it, LOVING IT!! I am so following you on this blog!! lol Glad I joined 20sb and this blog!!
H
So... you're saying I shouldn't take lingerie pics of myself in a bathroom mirror at work, make the duck face and then in MS Paint write "OMGZ IM SO UGGGZZZ" across the bottom?
I should probably reassess my facebook profile.
fuck.
Hahaha wow.. a very extensive account. Perhaps the result of a long-existing, passive aggressive, pent up anger? Couldn't have wrote it better myself!
-Sandy.
www.sandyvsworld.wordpress.com
haha love this post! I am guilty for using the "I'm blessed with..." phrase but now I know the error of my ways :) lol.
Looking forward to reading the rest of your posts.
I love this post with all my heart. So true and so hilarious!
ps can i get permission to repost this, you get full credit and everything. the world needs to see this.
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